It's dangerous to look at sex as the indicator of commitment. There are several subtle signs that people care on a deeper level that have nothing to do with sex.
The jerks out there want sex, and they'll do whatever they have to do to get it, including promising commitment with sex. But all too often it turns in to casual sex with no depth in the relationship.
I've never been able to date casually, or just "sleep with" a girl consistently. It's all so "grown up" to me. Or maybe I'm just too traditional.
My recently single friend, Doug, has been playing the field with a vengeance. He's had one night stands, and casual sex with a handful of women.
From my end, I can tell he's not in to any of these women beyond sex. He recently broke it off with a girl he was sleeping with, Jenn, because he's interested in another girl (Melissa) on a girlfriend level.
Jenn was upset when he broke it off, and I wondered why she was surprised that he wasn't in to her. He indicated that she thought he'd eventually get in to a relationship with her. Unfortunately, she was doing it backwards. The caring has to come before the sex, and not vice versa.
Doug is a rare breed because he was up front with the girls he was sleeping with. He never gave them the wrong idea by going on serious dates (they'd ask him to go away on trips, or to meet family members, etc.). Despite his honesty, the women were still surprised and disappointed when he broke it off.
It can be to tell when you're stuck in a "just sleeping together" situation. Here are a few signs that it might be more than just sleeping together:
He Wants To Wait
Doug has been hanging out with Melissa for two weeks. One night they were getting hot and heavy and she told him she wanted to wait to have sex, but then changed her mind later in the evening. She said she was ready.
But my friend said: "let's wait."
He explained to me: "I actually care about this girl, so I didn't want to have sex so fast"
Doug, who I thought didn't think of sex as a big deal, was making it a big deal. Bottom line, sex is a big deal when you really care about the person.
You See Him by the Light Of Day
Doug rarely did anything during the day with the girls he was sleeping with. He never ran errands with them, took walks, or lingered around in the morning after spending the night together. He always ended up with them at the end of the night.
You Do Things Together Before You Meet Up
Doug would often leave after hanging out with me to meet up with the girl he was sleeping with. They'd send him the "when and where" text.
If the guy's rolling in at the end of the night for some fun when you haven't hung out otherwise, it's pretty obvious you're just sleeping together. Even if you meet up late at a bar for a few hours then go home, he's still probably looking at it as just sleeping together.
You Engage In Small Talk You're Apart
Last weekend we were at a wedding, so I spent a lot of time with Doug (in fact we shared a hotel room with a king bed due to a "logistical error," but that's a whole other blog post in itself). He kept reading texts from Melissa out loud to us throughout the weekend, and he seemed giddy for the first time in a long time.
Doug was sending small talk texts to Melissa recounting stories throughout the weekend. He never texted stories to the girls he was sleeping with to get their reactions or opinions.
You're Not Having Sex Every Time You See Him
Doug fooled around with the girls he was sleeping with every time they saw each other. This is why there were referred to as "a girl I'm sleeping with."
My list is in no way sure-fire. There are no guarantees because some guys can fake it: a guy might wait to have sex because he ultimately wants you just for sex. If you're not feeling right about things, speak up or get out of the relationship. Most likely, he's not going to come around to getting deeper with you if you're just sleeping together.
Do you agree with my signs above? What signs do you look for to indicate you're not just sleeping together? Have you ever been worried that your relationship is more about sleeping together, and not a deeper relationship?
-- by Rich Santos/ marieclaire.com